For this is wrong, if anything is wrong: not to enlarge the freedom of love with all the inner freedom one can summon. We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily. We do not need to learn it.
– Rilke (Requiem for a friend – 1909)
Sometimes while searching for my own words, the words of someone else arrive in a book, or during a conversation or even in a post on FB, such as this one did, and my heart sighs. Because I need to let go: to allow a vision, a project that I was heavily invested in to simply go on without me. Did I choose to abandon this thing that I love? Did I choose to walk away from the two other women involved? Did I stop loving the work? Have I stopped loving them?
No, I have not. The answer to each of those questions is “no”. I was contacted a few days ago and told that it just didn’t feel as though the three of us were meant to go on recording the podcasts for Her Sacred Kiss together because the energy had changed and it no longer included me. I was hurt. Oh, I wasn’t overly surprised because I had sensed for a couple of weeks something was off kilter and had even asked if the other two wanted to go on without me. But I was hurt.
Endings hurt. Whether we see them coming or not, they hurt and our first instinct is often “no way” or sometimes “how could you?” Fear raises its ugly little head and all kinds of words come into our mind – hopefully not out of our mouth – because this, this time of instantly feeling rejected is NOT the time to speak.
A break up, whether of a marriage, a partnership, a family or a group is never easy and no matter how lovely the words may sound, such as when your boyfriend sits across the table from you and says “it’s not you, it’s me” you damn well know it is about you. Because it is all about you, always. My life is about me. It’s not about you, it’s about me!
Before you disagree so quickly, let me expound a bit. The breaking up of this partnership, for example is about two women out of three going on without the other. I am that other. Whatever the reasons, whatever the understanding, I am left, alone, outside the circle. Even though I didn’t choose to be left, I am. What can I do about this? Can I make them change their minds or their feelings? Can I convince them this project will not survive without me? Can I accuse them of not being fair – because, after all I spent a lot of time designing the logo, for example and being present, fully present for five recordings? See? I told you – it’s about me. I am all I’ve got. How I respond, how I speak, how I work through this. That is what I have to work with. Only that – only me. I can’t change the situation: I can’t change how Jackie and Cat feel or think or see things. I can only affect my own self.
And so it is with my self that I have sat the past few days. I don’t honestly understand how this has come to pass. What I do understand is me. I know who I am. I am a woman who chooses to let go. A woman who chooses to allow those I love to be who they are even when who they are is someone who no longer needs or wants me. I will never chase after you if you decide to leave my life. I will let you go, not because I don’t feel I am worthy to be in your life and not because I am angry at you for leaving. It is just who I am. And so I can let these two women go on with this amazing project without me. I am going to invest myself, my energies in the life that is at hand. I am going to go for a walk along the river or through the woods and pick daisies or capture fungi on my camera. I am going to sing as I fix supper. I am going to cry, perhaps, when I think about how we went from being a unit to being apart, but I am going to continue, always, being me. Because my life is about me and who I am and how I choose to walk this world.
I choose to walk in beauty. That is MY sacred kiss.